Government Urges Return to Stone Age

The White House and U.S. National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST) are urging Americans to return to the stone age for their own safety.

“After discovering that ‘thermal expansion’ of steel from a low-temperature fire led to the collapse of World Trade Center building 7,” said NIST spokesperson Noh Wei, “we started realizing that other metal objects might also be at risk”.

So NIST scientists tested other metallic objects using state-of-the-art computer models. The models predicted that every oven and barbeque in the country could disintegrate at any time, leading to a progressive collapse of entire houses.

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“We also determined that car engines, airplane engines, and boat engines could all suddenly fail due to thermal expansion,” said Wei. “Indeed, we soon realized that almost all industrial processes could lead to catastrophic failure, other than, perhaps, those used in freezers.”

White House spokesman Phil Johnson agreed, saying

A Fact Sheet from NIST provides recommendations and safety guidelines based on the new thermal expansion discoveries: