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Mealtimes at David and Paula’s house are a rowdy affair. With three children under six, there’s no place for etiquette. Cutlery is mainly used for percussion. Food dropped on the floor is still fair game if you can reach it before the dog. My daughter Ava, who is two, stares with a mixture of bewilderment and delight as Josh, three, climbs on to the table and drops his trousers. Pretty soon she’s joining in, and loving it. Having three children has meant big changes for David and Paula. They moved from London to Hertfordshire, Paula gave up her job. They sold the Audi and bought a people carrier – no ordinary saloon could accommodate the three car-seats, double pushchair, single pushchair and all the other paraphernalia.
After lunch the children play. For about 10 minutes there’s something approaching calm. Then there are tears when Jethro, who’s nearly six, decides he likes the look of the monster truck Josh is playing with and exercises his droit de seigneur. I marvel at David’s calm. A lot of the time, he admits, he feels like a referee at an ice hockey game.
We decide to go to the pub. Leaving the house feels like gearing up for an attempt on the North Pole. As far as I can see, everything is a three-man job. I wonder how Paula manages during the week, when David is at work. I think of how long it takes to coax Ava into clothes and out of the house in the morning, and triple it. David admits things are a bit hectic. “But it’s getting easier each day and the nice thing is, it feels like the family is complete. Give it a year and we’ll be playing two-a-side football in the garden.”
I ask him how Jethro took to the arrival of his first younger brother. David snorts: “How would you feel? You’ve had your mother’s undivided attention for three years and overnight you’re sidelined. His world fell apart.”
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I’m asking this question for a reason. My partner Bethan and I are currently debating whether or not to try for a second child. As we leave David and Paula’s, I’m full of admiration for the cool, un-neurotic way they deal with their new life. I’m drawn to the rough and tumble of it all, to the ever-shifting dynamics of the five-way relationship. It’s what you imagine when you think of a family, rather than just two large people staring down at a small person. And yet, at the same time, I wonder how – or maybe if – Bethan and I would cope with the introduction of another person into our lives. We’re already struggling – financially, emotionally – with one child. Would giving Ava a sibling “complete” our family, or would it be the equivalent of tossing a hand grenade at our already shaky domestic equilibrium?
- A d v e r t i s e m e n t
Like many couples with one child, we are at a crossroads. Money is scarce, Bethan and I both work full-time. Both of us found the first year of parenthood hard. Things are just getting easier now. It feels like we’re emerging from a dark tunnel. The idea of putting ourselves through it all again seems like madness. We’re not alone. Although two children remains the most common family size in the UK, the latest figures from the Office for National Statistics indicate a steady rise in the number of only children. In 1972, 18 per cent of children were living in a one-child household. This had risen to 22 per cent in 1981, remaining at a steady level until 1991 and rising again to 24 per cent in 2001. By 2007, the last year for which figures are available, 26 per cent of the UK’s children were living without siblings.
It’s likely that the number of only children will continue to rise. Historically, the birth rate drops when there is a national crisis or recession. In the US, for example, there was a steep decline during the Great Depression and again in 1976 following the oil crisis. The US Census Bureau reports that women approaching the end of their childbearing years in 2004 had an average of 1.9 children, compared with 3.1 for their 1976 counterparts. In New York, more than 30% of children are only children. It may no longer be unusual to have one child, and yet the received wisdom is still that, biology permitting, you must have more. Parents who choose to bring up an only child are dubbed “selfish”. Your few years of extra convenience, they warn, will be paid for, psychologically, by your child. To create a happy, functional family unit, having more than one child is seen as vital.
