Natural News 
April 8, 2011
Does all the physics terminology from Fukushima news reports have your head spinning? Have no fear, NaturalNews readers: I’ve assembled this handy dandy dictionary of all the terms you need to know to follow Fukushima developments as if you were a double-PhD physics geek. Enjoy!
Editor’s Note:Fukushima is no laughing matter, of course, but the lack of understanding of the laws of physics throughout the mainstream media is sadly hilarious. Laughter and humor are healthy for relieving stress, and right now, a lot of people need some stress relief over this situation. In no way does this take away from the seriousness of the Fukushima situation, and we will resume our serious reporting on Fukushima in the days ahead. See the bottom of this article for additional notes about Fukushima and this satire piece.
Dictionary of Radiation (and physics) Terms:
Half Life– How much of your lifespan has now been taken away by listening to the misinformation being spewed out by the mainstream media’s reporting on Fukushima.
Table of elements– The place where all the seafood from Japan is now resting while we try to figure out if eating it will cause our hair to fall out.
Reactor Number Two– What happens in the toilet stall after you eat McDonald’s Happy Meal Combo #1.
Under control– Hopelessly out of control and probably likely to explode at any minute. As in, “Reactor No. 2 is completely under control now.”
Neutron– The new sci-fi movie starring Jeff Bridges, as opposed to the “Old Tron.”
- A d v e r t i s e m e n t
Cesium– Part of the answer given by nuclear safety workers when asked, “Where is the Fukushima safety manager?” The reply? “I thinks I cesium somewhere around here…”
Safe– The new government euphemism for “more than enough to give you cancer.” As in, “The radioactive fallout from Fukushima is now SAFE.”
Millisieverts– Something related to Becquerels, or curies, or something physics sounding, but nobody really knows, and it has something to do with the inverse square or something else we probably should have learned in high school physics but we weren’t paying attention because we were all too busy trying to figure out how to cheat on the final exam.
Geiger counter– Obama’s new nationwide employment plan that involves millions of census workers (“Geigers”) aimlessly wandering the streets of America trying to count how many people there are if they would only hold still for long enough.
Nukular– How George W. Bush pronounces “nuclear.” To master the “nukular” pronunciation, simply start with the word “nuclear” and then subtract one hundred IQ points.
Fission– The result of the collision between one loose cannon idea and a spherical critical mass of bureaucratic corruption in the power industry. The resulting explosion gives off two additional loose cannon ideas that go on to cause a chain reaction throughout the entire government leading to a total meltdown of integrity.
Inadvertent recriticality– A clever way of covertly rephrasing, “The damn thing is melting down for some reason and we have no friggin’ clue why.”
Inert gas– What’s actually coming out of the mouths of the nuclear industry spin doctors who continue to insist nuclear energy is the future of “green energy” on planet Earth. Apparently, nuclear energy will only save the planet by killing off human civilization first. Pure genius!
Preparedness plan– What the U.S. government now officially describes as “doing nothing other than staying informed” which, of course, means sitting on the couch watching TV while consuming McDonald’s Happy Meal Combo #1.
Editor’s Note:Please do not misinterpret the intention of this satire piece. We take the Fukushima disaster extremely seriously and have published numerous stories urging people to stay informed and get prepared. We have also donated $12,000 to Fukushima rescue efforts (http://www.naturalnews.com/031744_r… ) and helped thousands of NaturalNews readers get prepared through our NaturalNews Store.
This story is intended to bring some levity to the heavy, heavy use ofphysics termsthat now seem to dominate the news, even though virtually no one outside the scientific community seems to understand what these terms even mean. In fact, the media itself seems to be wildly ignorant of physics (http://www.naturalnews.com/031935_m… ). And the government seems to be just inventing new laws of physics as it goes along… “Oh yeah, you can eat radioactive fish, no problem…”