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Previously by this author:
Millions of Houses Worth Trillions of Dollars. PANT! Pant! Pant!
Disclaimer: This column appears as would a syndicated column in a newspaper. It does not necessarily reflect the views of Alex Jones.
At present, our Glorious Imperial Legions have a firebase smack in the middle of downtown Samarra. I don't know what its name is, but let's just call it Ft. Dead Puking Buzzard. It's under siege. The usual bands of puppydog stranglers, Islamo-fascists, dead-enders, foreign mercenaries, and common criminals are attacking Ft. Buzzard because they hate our freedoms. They shoot mortars and RPGs at Ft. Buzzard, and snipers intermittently whack away at our besieged legions.

All things considered, the latest remake of the Alamo is going pretty good. The fighting in Samarra is grinding out plenty of video swill for the tube peasants back home. The bad news is, Ft. Buzzard is defended by some heavily armed dudes who are in no mood to die, no matter how great a grand finale it would make.  Do you think Hollywood would have made any movies about the Alamo if there wasn't such a grand finale? Get the picture?

Luckily, our Glorious Imperial Proconsul foresaw this very difficulty, by which I mean the reluctance of the dudes in Ft. Buzzard to follow the script. So Lord Bremer had a casting call and coaxed some local camel thieves into police uniforms by handing out gats, ammo, and cash. Lord Bremer then stationed these bandito police around Ft. Buzzard. However, in a totally unforeseen development, the stooge police have proved themselves infinitely unworthy of Lord Bremer's trust.  They've flipped, and they have sided with the puppydog stranglers besieging Ft. Buzzard.

And just to be sure Ft. Buzzard lives up to its name, Lord Bremer then recruited another force of camel thieves, who he coaxed into soldiers' uniforms by the distribution of gats, ammo and money. These "soldiers" are stationed outside the town of Samarra, and they have sealed it off with roadblocks. They are commanded by a Saddam Hussein lookalike who spent 13 years as an officer in the Republican Guard.

Lord Bremer's stooge soldier actors are there to assist our Glorious Imperial Legions, who are currently besieged in Ft. Buzzard by Bremer's stooge police actors. And sure enough, the commander of the stooge soldiers has denounced the turncoat stooge police, and claims he will fight them to the death in the service of Proconsul Bremer as soon as me Lord yells, "Lights! Camera! Action!" This display of loyalty is especially touching when you consider that these stooge soldiers are paid only $60 a month.

The situation at Samarra reminds me of a previous rant, in which I tried to explain the Glorious Imperial Strategy for subduing the Iraqis. The strategy is unofficially called the "flypaper" strategy, because the idea is to lure the puppydog stranglers into attacking our Glorious Imperial Legions in Iraq, so you can wipe them out overseas as opposed to fighting them in the streets of Gomerville, USA.  Anyway, here's the letter.

Dear Getsome: As you are aware, the flypaper strategy will attract hordes of onrushing suicide bombers. However, Beloved Emperor anticipated this very threat, and has devised a cunning strategy to avoid casualties. Just round up all those guys that you bagged and beat the stuffing out of. Then, issue them AK47s, RPGs, fifty-caliber machineguns and whatever else you have laying around. Next, have them swear an oath of allegiance to Beloved Emperor and the Carpetbagger Provisional Authority. However, be advised that Arabs are cunning and treacherous, so be sure that none of them have their fingers crossed behind their backs. Then, issue them all Iraqi police and army uniforms, and station them in concentric circles around your firebase so they are in a perfect position to defend you. Not only is this plan obviously flawless, it's been field-tested in Vietnam and numerous other wars with consistently productive results. After this phase, there remains only the final phase of our Glorious Imperial Battle Plan. Just stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. Yours truly,
Sgt. Skull

And just to make sure the besiegers don't run short of food or supplies, Lord Bremer has decreed that they shall receive loads of cash delivered to them by ... armored columns of our Glorious Imperial Legions ... that have to shoot their way into and out of Samarra when they make these resupply runs.  You can read all about it in "The Inside Skinny," by "Combat Leader." And keep in mind that there is not one single friendly person in this town. Not a single one. The people hate us, the stooge cops have flipped, and even the stooge city council hates us. Whoever is getting that money hates us because every last single person in Samarra hates us.

It's all Hollywood, and director Bremer is paying both sides, and director Bremer is giving instructions to both sides, or at least trying to. I'm going to keep an eye on Ft. Buzzard. I can't wait to see the flick, it will be better than Black Hawk Down. And keep in mind that there are many other Ft. Buzzard clones all across Iraq - isolated and surrounded firebases -  tethered goats every last one of them.

I'm always on the lookout for new imperial shenanigans. I think I've just found a really big one. The Washington Post newspaper was nice enough to explain to us peasants why we may all starve in a year or two so that the NWO can feed their slave-laborers in China. Below you will find excerpts from a December 14th Washington Post article written by a Mr. Lester Brown.

"Under the North China Plain, which produces half of China's wheat and a third of its corn, water tables are falling by 3 to 10 feet per year. ... this trend is shrinking the Chinese grain harvest, which has fallen in four of the past five years. To get an idea of the magnitude, the harvest dropped by 66 million tons during that period, an amount that exceeds the total annual grain harvest of Canada, one of the world's leading grain exporters. Thus far China has covered its growing grain shortfall by drawing down its once-massive stocks. It can do this for perhaps one more year before those stocks are depleted. Then it will have to turn to the world market for major purchases. The odds are that within the next few years the United States will be loading two or three ships per day with grain destined for China. In one of the major economic achievements of the last half-century, China raised its grain output from 90 million tons in 1950 to 392 million tons in 1998. Since then, though, China's production appears to have peaked, dropping by 66 million tons, or 17 percent. As a result, it seems likely that China will ultimately need to buy 30, 40 or 50 million tons of grain a year, and then it will have to turn to the United States, which accounts for nearly half of the world's grain exports. Imports on this unprecedented scale will create a fascinating geopolitical situation: China, with 1.3 billion consumers and foreign exchange reserves of $384 billion -- enough to buy the entire U.S. grain harvest eight times over -- will suddenly be competing with American consumers for U.S. grain, in all likelihood driving up food prices. And U.S. consumers will realize that, like it or not, they will be sharing their food with Chinese consumers. This year (world grain) production fell short of consumption by a record 92 million tons. These shortages have reduced world grain stocks to their lowest levels in 30 years. If we have a shortfall in 2004 that is even half the size of this year's, food prices will be rising worldwide by this time next year. You won't have to read about it in the commodity pages. It will be evident at the supermarket checkout counter. During the fall of 2003, wheat and rice prices rose 10 percent to 30 percent in world markets, and even more in some parts of China. These rises may only be the warning tremors before the earthquake."

BAWK! See ya next week.
Ft. Dead Puking Buzzard

Tom Chittum December 19 2003

How are movies made? When Hollywood cranked out the movie, "The Longest Day," did one director give orders to the actors wearing American uniforms while another director gave orders to the actors wearing German uniforms? Keeping that in mind, let's have a peek at what's going down in the town of Samarra, Iraq.