July 4, 2012
The extraordinary discovery of the Higgs boson particle, long sought after in the physics community to help explain the “Standard Model” of physical reality, took the world by storm today. Achieving a 5-sigma level of statistical significance, the supercollider data show with almost complete certainty that the Higgs boson — the “God particle” — really exists. But the question remains: What use is it?
Aside from the fact that without the Higgs field, the cosmos as we know it would cease to function, the far more important application in a culture largely devoid of scientific education is weight loss. Fortunately, scientists at CERN have already found a way to turn this multi-billion-dollar experiment into a medical weight loss breakthrough, which is of course far more important than understanding the origins of the universe.
“The Higgs particle is responsible for all mass,” explained CERN scientist Dr. Larry Chekov. “By stripping Higgs particles from a given human specimen, we can make human beings massless.”
First you get really heavy, and then you hit the wall
Call it “the ultimate weight loss,” if you wish. After this treatment — soon to be offered inside the Large Hadron Collider itself — patients will emerge as human beings without mass. “You will weigh exactly nothing,” Dr. Chekov explained.
The Higgs Weight Loss Treatment, as it is now being billed, involves being stuffed into the Large Hadron Collider and accelerated to 99.99999999% the speed of light, which may cause nausea in some people, according to the FDA. At this speed, the average person’s body initially takes on enormous mass, causing them to become extremely obese. This obesity is only momentary, however, as their body is almost instantly smashed against a blunt surface that causes the atomic components of their body’s cells to splatter in all directions. A team of physics department interns then painstakingly plucks all the Higgs particles out of the air using entangled pairs of microscopic chopsticks, just before the body slams back together in its new, masslessconfiguration, ready for primetime television.
“It’s relatively painless,” explained Chekov, “generally relativistically speaking.”
What it all means, really
Scientists are expected to start Hawking the procedure as a new Greene technology to help people avoid becoming Bohred with their bodies. If people are tired of their Heaviside from reaching their body weight Max, well they can now do something about it, at least Fara day if not for a lifetime.
Dr. Senberg, the medical operations officer for the new procedure, greets everybody with a courteous hello, to which his assistants respond, “Hi, Senberg,” but always with a sense of uncertainty.
Enhancements to body shape and size may also be possible with the Higgs Weight Loss Therapy, including sexual enhancements for men to give them bigger and stronger Boltzmanns. For women, saggy butts can be made more Fermi.
Convincing the initial test subjects to undergo the procedure was a challenge, everyone admits. “We wanted to test men, and then release men,” explained one of the assistants, “but first we had to Feynman who were willing to participate, and that wasn’t easy.”
“Don’t Teller,” quipped Dr. Senberg, “but we already found Watt we want. He’s a Young guy, a real Joule, and he swears the procedure never Hertz.”
Some patients emerge from the procedure with a Planck stare and a sense of being belittled by “Ler” the lab assistant, but when Dr. Senberg tried to give Ler away, she wouldn’t leave his general orbit so he just Kepler around because of her consistent motion. She was good at Hubbling, it turns out.
Strange side effects may appear
The FDA says it may require scientists to warn people about the side effects of having no mass. They include slowly drifting away from the planet’s surface and out of the sun’s orbit, an inability to play kickball without being toppled over by the ball, and ejecting yourself into the bathroom ceiling from passing gas on the toilet.
None of these are considered a barrier to FDA approval, however, since the FDA approves anything as long as there is scientific proof that it will make money.
For more information about the Large Hadron Collider and the upcoming Higgs Weight Loss Therapy which removes all mass from the abdominal region (and thighs, too, for an extra fee), visit the LHC website at:
Editor’s note: This satire article is meant in good fun. We admire the physicists at the LHC and appreciate their significant contributions to the world of knowledge. The confirmation of the Higgs boson is a true milestone in the history of science. Now if they would only start searching for the “consciousness particle,” things would get even more interesting, eh?
This article was posted: Wednesday, July 4, 2012 at 2:58 am