September 28, 2017
Columbus Day is coming up, and South Park obviously can’t let that pass in a year in which everything in American history is so incredibly politicized.
As the September 27 episode, “Holiday Special” opens, the kids at South Park elementary are dismayed to hear that their Columbus Day holiday has been canceled and that they will now have to go to school on that day. The horror!
Not only that, but Stan’s dad Randy is driving the anti-Columbus movement, going so far as to pull down a Columbus statue in Canyon City.
Cartman: This is an outrage! This a violation of our human rights!
Stan: Dude, what the hell is going on?
Cartman: You didn’t hear the announcement? They just canceled Columbus Day. We have to come to school on Monday!
Kyle: They what?!
Tweek: They can’t do this! We made plans!
Cartman: Some asshole went and convinced the school board that Columbus Day is racist and should be eliminated.
Tweek: You can’t take away a day off. We’re just innocent children!
Stan: Dude. What asshole would take away a holiday?
Peter: My name is Peter Galtman. I am the head of the school calendar committee. I have decided the school will not celebrate Columbus Day this year. I realize this is a hot-button issue for many families, but one parent in particular has really swayed my opinion with his passion — Mr. Randy Marsh. Mr. Marsh pointed out to me the hypocrisy of glorifying a genocidal murderer. And Mr. Marsh is, right now, also working on having the Columbus statue taken down in Canyon City.
Randy: Come on, everybody! Let’s take this [bleep] Thing down! Yeah!! Yeah! Take it down! Columbus was a mass murderer! Tear it down! Tear it down! Yeah! [ Grunts ] Okay, it’s not working. [ Grunts ] We almost got it, guys! Come on! Throw the rope, Stan! Good. That’s good! Okay, hit the gas, Nelson! We got it, everybody!To hell with you, Columbus, you — Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Unfortunately, as is often the case with South Park, this satire is awfully close to the truth. There are certainly those who would like to abolish Columbus Day and, now, attacking statues of Columbus has become almost de rigeur. As Randy explains, “You have to overdo it in today’s society, Stan. You can’t be nuanced and subtle anymore or else critics go, ‘Wow, what was the point of that?'”
Well, it turns out that Randy is being hypocritical because he used to be a huge fan of Christopher Columbus before such a thing became unacceptable in politically correct circles (it was in 2013 which, Randy explains, was “another time”). There was no other explanation given for his former status as a Columbus fanboy but, given that this is South Park, we will just go with it.
Later Randy sees a commercial and decides to take a DNA test, hoping to prove that he isn’t entirely white (in fact, he tries to get his test to show Native American ancestry in a pretty sick way) so he can claim victimhood and not be a hypocrite.
Announcer: Hey, you! That’s right, you! Wouldn’t you like to know the story of you? What makes you, you? DNA & Me is a genetic service that can help you find out exactly who your ancestors were. You might be surprised.
Man: I thought I was just a standard white guy. But DNA & Me showed that I’m actually 4.2% Cherokee Indian.
Woman: Turns out I’m not totally white. I’m also part Northern Asian, and even some Kurdish! I’m a victim of oppression!
Steve: I used to get in trouble for always using the “N” word. But with DNA & Me I found out that I’m 2.1% black!
Man 2: Morning, Steve.
Steve: ‘Sup, Nigga?
Announcer: The test is easy. Simply swab the inside of your mouth and send it in to us.
Man 3: People made fun of me for being French. DNA & Me showed I was 8% Navajo. Nobody’s making fun of me now, or my people, who were victims.
Woman 2: I’m 13% victim!
Man 4: I’m 21% victim.
Announcer: Order now and find out if your friends should be more sympathetic towards you. DNA & Me. Are you in?
Randy: Hell [bleep] yes, I’m in.
Perfection. I was expecting the joke to be that racists were finding out that they weren’t 100% white, but this applies to an even broader segment of American culture. People are actively seeking out new ways to consider themselves victims and it’s so prevalent this fictional DNA company uses that in their marketing strategy.
South Park, you’ve pretty much summed up American culture in this episode: people who are proud to be offended and victimized by everything. I guess Columbus Day really does bring people together.
This article was posted: Thursday, September 28, 2017 at 8:19 am